Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
